Today, I’m going to tell you about the story of how everything began: the creation story of the Bible. As with all scripture, it’s open for interpretation, so strap yourselves in for a magical journey.
The First Day
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. That was the beginning of everything. But don’t ask where God came from—it doesn’t matter: He has always existed and always will, which makes way more sense than anything science has to say. But anyways, He created the universe, and that is no small task! People often take this one for granted. Creating the universe means He made all of space and time, the laws of physics, and mathematics, He made atoms, quarks, oxygen, hydrogen, helium—all elements of the periodic table. God was a huge nerd.
He eventually got sick of not being able to see anything, so He simply said, “Let there be light,” and light just appeared, but strangely stars weren’t a thing yet. Anyways, God was happy with creating this part of the electromagnetic spectrum. He called the light “day” and the darkness “night” in whatever language He spoke back then. However, this concept of a “day” might have been a little premature because planets didn’t exist yet, and neither did stars. But that’s okay, though, because he’ll fix that before the end of the week. So I guess God was just thinking ahead?
So God created the heavens and the earth and light to separate the darkness. This feat took an entire day… which didn’t exist yet… but nonetheless, He was tired, so he waited until the next imaginary day to start working again.
The Second Day
God woke up cold and still pretty tired from the first day. He gave the earth an atmosphere, called it “sky,” and went back to bed around 11 am.
The Third Day
It was now Wednesday, and God was tired of sleeping on water because water beds suck. So He said, “Let the water below the sky come together in one place so that the land will appear.” Luckily the voice assistant He had installed in the universe could understand what He meant by all that, and it created the land we see today with plate tectonics which gave way to the raising and lowering of the earth’s crust to expose land around the planet. He named the land “earth,” after the planet it was on; and He named the water “sea.” At first, He had all the land smashed together and called it “Pangaea,” which is the most creative name we’ve heard so far. But He eventually got bored and rearranged it into separate continents, kinda like how you do with your bedroom after you get sick of it.
And God was pleased; He was happy with this—He was happy with everything so far. I mean, He made it, so why wouldn’t He?
Before he went to bed, He told the universe to make vegetation because He was probably starving at this point.
The Fourth Day
On the fourth day, God was getting sick of stumbling around in the dark, and His plants were starting to wilt without any sunlight. So, God decided to take matters into His own hands.
Up until this point, the earth was just floating around in space as a lonely rogue planet. But then, a giant ball of hot gas suddenly appeared about 100 million miles away, and the earth fell into its gravitational field.
But God wasn’t satisfied yet. He also wanted a nightlight to help him navigate His middle-of-the-night bathroom trips. So, He put the moon in orbit around the earth to reflect some of the sun’s light at night.
And just because He was feeling extra fancy, He threw in some stars, too. And with that, God called it a day and probably went to bed feeling quite pleased with Himself.
The Fifth Day
It was almost the weekend and God already had way too much food on His planet and needed some way to get rid of it. He was also having problems with some of the vegetation needing pollination and stuff like that, and He was way too busy to do it Himself, so He created birds, fish, bees, and penguins.
He apparently also thought it’d be amusing if everything ate each other, so He made things like sharks which He later regretted because now it wasn’t safe to walk on water anymore. And somehow over time, 99% of all species He created went extinct, so if your gold fish died when you were a kid, don’t feel bad: God let way more things die off.
After this was done, He realized he was bored because it was a Friday night and there was no one to go out with.
The Sixth Day
After having no one to hang out with the night before, God decided He needed a buddy, so He created Man, thus starting the age-old tradition of bros before hoes. God named the man “Adam.”
Although they were friends, something was missing in Adam’s life: God was constantly catching him doing weird stuff like jerking off in the woods and boning goats. God finally caved and decided to make him a female counterpart since every other creature on the planet had someone to mate with.
God put Adam to sleep, and while unconscious, God performed rib resection surgery and used his right rib to create a woman. It’s a bit strange that God couldn’t just make a woman from scratch like He did with everything else in the universe a few days earlier. But anyway, when Adam woke up, he was probably pretty angry that God drugged him but calmed down once he realized what he got out of it. When Adam laid eyes on the naked woman, he said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘Woman’ because she was taken out of Man.”
In my opinion, God should have smacked down on that misogynistic attitude right away, but hindsight’s 20/20.
God then told them to get busy and make babies, and they obeyed.
The Seventh Day
God took the day off. He finally got to relax and enjoy the fruits of his labor. He probably spent the day chilling with Adam and Eve, lounging around, and grilling up some of the animals He created earlier that week.
The seventh day was a special day, a holy day. This day was special because it was the day God rested. The most powerful thing in the universe needed a day off so it’s a pretty big deal. He was so serious about this day being a day of rest that he actually forced humanity to follow suite, punishable by being stoned to death.
Also, God creating everything in existence in seven days is also why there’s no right way to work out two or three times a week evenly. It’s so annoying, right?! Why a prime number, God? Such a dick. Unless you’re gym rat, there’s really no good way of dividing up the week. I could also go for permanent three-day weekends.
So, the end. Hope you learned something.